steven_universe_communityfandomcom-20200215-history
Let's Just Get This over with
"Let's Just Get This over With" is the first episode of Iolite and the Quest for the Vinyl Record that Nobody asked for. Warning: I don't know how music festivals work please don't yell at me. Synopsis The gems begin their search. Plot The gems all step into Iolite's car. Heliotrope, sitting in the front seat, summons a magical record player out of fuckin' nowhere. Iolite hands her the Mondo Cane vinyl record and Heliotrope sets it down before putting the needle down. Io: God Damn I love this album. Helio: But you don't even speak Italia-- Iolite bursts out into song. Io: QUAAANDO SEI, QUI CON ME! Helio: Oh, God. CCS: QUESTA STANZA NON HA PI? PARETI. MA ALBERI. Helio: Make it s-- ALBERI INFINIIIITI, QUANDO SEI QUI VICINO A ME! It... kind of goes on like that. For all 40 minutes that the album contained. This entire process almost cost them four car accidents and almost got them pulled over twice. Eventually Iolite pulls into a hotel. Io: Aight. It's sleepy times. Helio: It's really late. CCS: Yeah. Three in the morning. The gems all step out of the car. Helio poofs the record player and bubbles to record, warping it back to Iolite's apartment. CCS: Did... Did we leave the record player on back in the apartment? Io: ....Damn. Helio: Should we go back? Io: Pff, no. They all go silent for a moment. Then they all walk into the hotel. Color Change Sapphire stands at the waiting desk and waits to check in while Iolite and Heliotrope talk quietly. Io: How long are we going to drive tomorrow? Helio: Probably a good fourteen hours. Io: That's NOTHING. Helio: Yes, but I don't like driving. Io: Good point. Helio: Didn't... Io: What? Helio: Isn't LA a good thirty-five minutes from here? Io: Hey, now. YOU suggested fourteen hours. Helio: Eh... Good point. We don't need to drive for fourteen hours. Io: Ayyy. Helio: Do you think... Io: Hm? Helio: Maybe the record isn't in a store. Io: Where else would it be? Helio: What if Mike Patton stole it back? Io: That's fucking stupid. Helio: We might have to murder him. Io: NO! Helio: Why not? Io: BECAUSE... He... He means a lot to me. Helio: Oh my God. He's so old. Io: I'm like, one thousand years older than he is. Helio: Yeah, but he ages. It's different. Iolite huffs angrily. Io: Whatever. Helio: You just want to sex him. Io: NO I DON'T! I also want to talk to him. CCS: Aight, getting creepy, Io: Right, right. We have to go look for Mike Patton, tomorrow, okay? CCS: Right. Color Change Sapphire is holding a room key. CCS: But we need to sleep. Helio + Io: Right. They all march up to the elevator and step in, hitting the button for the third floor. Io: I don't want to kill Mike Patton. Helio: we could always just.... Knock him out? Io: That-- That's still hurting him. Helio: No... It's just making him... Er... Sleep. Io: ....Not helping. That is literally murder. The elevator door opens on the third floor. Helio: It's not murder if nobody finds out. Just say it was an accident. CCS: THAT'S LIKE, ILLEGAL IN FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS. They all walk out and look for the number on their room door. Once they find it, they, open the hotel toom door and Heliotrope throws the hotel room door open. Helio: Smells like sexual activity and disappointment. CCS: I love that smell. Io: Oh my God shut the hell up. Heliotrope and Color Change Sapphire walk into the hotel room and flop onto their separate beds. Iolite poofs her laptop into existence and opens it, typing in her password. Io: Are you guys crashing for the night? Helio: Ohhh, yeah. Totally. CCS: I'm exhausted. Io: Dorks. CCS + Helios: FUCK YOU. The night drags on into morning. Iolite is slouched over, staring at her laptop with wide eyes. She screams at the top of her lungs, quickly waking the other two gems, and probably a lot of other hotel guests. CCS: Whaaaaaat? CCS rubs her eyes. Helio: Christ. Io: Both of you.... CCS + Helio: WHAT? Io: Get your Walking Hot Topic outfits ready. CCS: Ugh. Why? We haven't worn those in years. Io: No. You don't get it. There's a Faith No More concert in the city we're staying in. Helio: AND? Io: We're going to break in and follow Mike Patton home. Helio: Sure. CCS: Yep, I'm cool with that. The two gems flop back onto their backs. CCS looks out the window. The sun has already risen. CCS: When IS it? Io: Seven hours. We should get going now. CCS: Uggghhhh.... Helio stands up. The gem on the surface of her hand glows bright and all of her glows as he outfit changes from her normal clothes to a really edgy getup-- Eyebrow piercings, Faith No More leggings and hoodie, heavy mascara... It's a sight to see, that's for sure. Io: YES YES YESSSS. Iolite does the same but like, 10x fucking edgier. Holy shit. CCS: You people make me sick. Io: Yeah, whatever you say, Twinkle-Toes. You'll never match up to me and Helio. CCS rolls her eyes, like "yeah, sure, what-the-fuck-ever." Her gem then glows and she transitions to a really simplified outfit-- jeans and a t-shirt. Io: Boring. ---- Now, normally I would give these fuckers something to fuck around with. But the thing is, that shit is boring as fucking hell and will make this episode ten fucking times longer than it needs to be. So, we're just going to skip ahead. You gonna bitch about it? No? OK, good. I still need to re-sharpen my fucking shanking knife. You stay on my good side. ---- Woah, wow. Cool, they're at the entrance to the festival. This is the location where they make sure that you're not stealing your way in. Io: Crap. What do we do? CCS looks around. CCS: We... We need tickets. B-R-B. CCS grins and backs into the line of people, pretending to run into someone. She apologizes, pats them on the shoulder, and loops back around to the clearly amused Iolite and Helio. She holds out a single ticket. CCS: OK, here we go. Her gem glows for a moment, and so does the ticket. Then, the singe ticket splays out into three. She hands one to Iolite, then Helio. Io: Radical. The three gems all slowly nudge into line, acting all subtle like they're not cutting anyone in line. Apparently, nobody seems to fucking care, so whatever. Helio: So... What's the plan? Io: OK, so, we break in. Then we just enjoy the concert because we're all trash. The other two gems nod in agreement. Io: And then we need to follow Mike Patton. Helio: How do we know that he's going home? Io: S'easy. He lives close to here. CCS: Er... How do you know that? Iolite shrugs. Io: The internet. The other two gems nod in subtle agreement. The line slowly but surely moves up, and the gems all get their tickets scanned. Then they all make a run for it into the music festival. And then, for the next 6 hours, they all wander. And wait. Aaand wait. But they had apparently waited for far too long. They all had split up for so fucking long that they hadn't realized Faith No More had already started. Io: Shit... Iolite was already in the crowd. She could sense any sort of music by Faith No More from ten miles away. She looks around frantically for any sign of Helio and CCS, yet they were nowhere to be seen. She had to find them.... But this song is her favorite. Io: Shiiiiiit. Iolite, get it together. Io: SHIT SHIT SHIT. Iolite, calm the fuck down. Io: RIGHT. SORRY. Iolite breathes heavily. Io: One more son-- NO. FIND YOUR FRIENDS. Io: You're not my mom! I created you. I put you into this fictional universe. And I can damn sure take you out. Io: WAIT, NO, PLEASE DON'T! I'LL LOOK FOR THEM. Thanks. Now we can move the plot forward. Iolite shoves her way out of the crowd angrily. She looks around quickly, running around the music festival. Io: HEEEEEEEELIO! C-C-S! CCS: IOLITE! Iolite turns to see CCS, jumping up and down and waving her arms frantically. Iolite quickly runs over to CCS. CCS: Oh, thank God I found you! Io: Why? What's going on? CCS: Helio... She... Io: What? CCS points to the stage, up from where the lights were hanging from. Helio is up there, walking dangerously on the beams holding up the lights. Io: Holy shit. CCS: I know... Io: How are we going to even get her down... CCS: Io... Oh my God. Io: What? She points down to on the stage, where Faith No More has stopped performing. Instead, they're all looking up, at Helio, obviously concerned. Io: Oh, Christ. CCS: Please tell me she's not going to fall on anybody in F-N-M... Io: Who cares if she dies. But the baes... CCS: They must live. Faith No More is pretty much all terrified. They stopped mid-song, and they're all whispering to each other, except for Mike Patton, who appeared to be cheering on Heliotrope from a distance. Mike: DO A FLIP! In some sort of fucking jinx-like "miracle," Helio steps incorrectly. She wobbles, stumbles a step back, and falls off of the rafters with an ear-piercing, blood-curdling shriek. She hits the stage floor with a thud, and the entire audience screams. Security guards from the back of the stage rush over to where Helio landed, and Iolite and CCS shove their way back through the crowd to get as far up they can-- They sort of shoved EVERYONE away and just climbed up onto the stage, running over to where Helio lay, face down. Io: This is actually really funny. I feel bad. CCS: Her gem is FINE. She fell face down. She'll live. Helio then springs back to life. She looks up and around-- She's completely unscathed, save for a bloody nose. Mike: WAIT. I TOLD YOU TO DO A FLIP. Helio grins, flips off Mike Patton, and flops ont her back. The security guards all step back as Iolite and CCS barge in. Io: Come on, get it together. Iolite holds out her hand. Helio grabs it, giggling, and stands shakily. Helio: That was fun. It was like, "WHEEE!" and then darkness. CCS: Ehhhh.... Fun for you. Not for the huge-ass crowd of people you traumatized for life. Helio: What? Mike doesn't seem to care. CCS: Hi, hello. Real world. Mike Patton isn't everyone. Mike: I'm literally right here. CCS + Io + Helio: SHUT UP! Helio lets go of Iolite's hand. She walks over to Mike and yanks the microphone out of his hand, and he mutters something about "crazy ass green chick..." Helio speaks into the microphone, out to the crowd. Helio: I'm okay. I fell but I'm fine. Now we are all going to leave you fucks alone to do whatever the fuck was supposed to happen. And, now, we're going to go. Thanks for screaming because of me. Goodnight. There are a few cheers from the crowd, but mostly murmurs. The speakers shriek as Helio drops the mic on the stage floor, and she grabs Iolite and CCS. She drags them to the side stage. Security: Ma'am, you can't be h-- Helio: Listen, bub. I just fell FIFTY FEET from a piece of weak metal, FACE DOWN, and I flipped off Mike Patton. I deserve to be standing here right now. The Security guard shuts up immediately. She keeps walking, past him, and stands far off to the sidestage, out of the audience's view. Back onstage, they can here Mike saying something and then the band goes back to playing their song. Io: Helio, what the FUCK is wrong with you? Helio: I thought it would be funny. CCS: YOU COULD HAVE DIED! Helio: But it would have been a FUNNY death! CCS: You're missing the point. The gems all bitch at each other over Helio's massive fuckups over the past years since the gem war. They bitch so long, in fact, that they stop arguing just as Faith No More had finished performing. Io: FINALLY. CCS: OK. Kill time. Io: What...? CCS: I-- I mean... Time to follow them home...? Io: Oh. Right... Helio grins. Helio: Let's DO THIS, BITCHES! Helio's gem glows, and then Helio vanishes immediately. She grabs Iolite's hand and she vanishes, too, before grabbing CCS so that she does the same. Io: So, what's the P-O-A? Helio: Well... We follow them. Simple as that. The three let go of each others' hands, remaining unseen. They creep across the empty stage once more and... Er, you see... I'd write this part, but... I'm just not that kind of writer. I don't want to be creepy. I mean, I'm creepy, but, damn... This part is really weird. We'll just skip a few minutes ahead to see what they're up to. About twenty minutes later of following Faith No More, they reach the parking lot of the music festival. Iolite quickly rushes into her car, as well as CCS and Helio. She starts the car and quickly begins following Mike home. Why is it only Mike? Because the tour was over and they split up again, I don't know. Io: This is so fucking weird... CCS: You're telling me? Io: No, I mean... This whole thing. Iolite grips the steering wheel angrily. Io: This doesn't really make sense. We're following MIKE PATTON home. iMIKE PATTON!/i For a vinyl record that he WON'T HAVE. This is really weird... Why did we even do this? Helio: Because you're an idiot. CCS shoots a glare at Helio. She grins. Io: Just... forget it. We're going to break in, ask him politely if he has the record, and then leave. CCS: You forgot about killing him-- Io: WE'RE NOT. GOING. TO. KILL. MIKE. PATTON! CCS mutters. CCS: We'll just have to see about that... Features Characters * Iolite * Heliotrope * Color-Change Sapphire Locations * TBA Objects * TBA